To Niles...

The best cat in "cat land". You will be dearly missed, every day.

"If there is a heaven, it's certain our animals are to be there. Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them." - Pam Brown

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen. - John le Carre

Restless

Finding myself in what I would classify as a "red level" state of restlessness today I thought I would share one of my favorite quotes on this condition. Yes, I called it a condition, if you think that's an exaggeration then "restless" likely only finds you when you're stuck at a stoplight and that my friend is enviable.

The dictionary describes it as this:

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.

The standard definition is a shallow portrayal that does little to satisfy those whose restlessness is likened to a kind of spiritual thrombosis. No, for those, poet Conrad Aiken said it best...

"I, the restless one; the circler of circles;
Herdsman and roper of stars, who could not capture
The secret of self; "

Those words provide both comfort and provocation, a sense of acknowledgment and shared experience...while I merrily plot my escape :-)

I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travels sake.
The great affair is to move.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

New York!

I've been plotting a trip to New York since I was 16, on a Greyhound bus no less, and now ten years later I finally made it. All be it in a much less dramatic fashion...maybe.

Growth Is Optional

I recently started gardening... for some reason, I went a little crazy on heirloom tomato seeds. Not having what anyone would define as a "green" thumb I decided in the interest of achieving hopefully a single fruit bearing plant I should plant 36 seeds. I watched anxiously as they sat in their little seed trays on my dining room table until one day I spotted a little speck of green...in ALL the trays. Now there are 36 large tomato plants in my greenhouse, how that happened is still a mystery to me but a lovely one indeed. The unexpected outcome and watching these little tiny specks of green turn into large thriving plants has me thinking a lot about growth in general.

I hear a lot about "growth"... A.Lot. Every day, all day, companies wanting growth, individuals wanting growth, it's woven into the fabric of my role in marketing. Growth. When I was younger, growth looked like "success". Better job, better car = growth. For companies/firms growth is usually measured along the same lines, bigger, more powerful, more profitable, who doesn't want that?

I'm not touching the corporate model today although I think it deserves attention to be sure, but I've grown to know that I don't know everything, so I'm going to focus on growth relative to my life. Looking back, I've missed most of the growth spurts while propelling myself full steam at the obvious ones. Growth was all about what was next, bigger, better, faster... I missed the whole point. Growth is optional, no matter how "high" you get. Growth is that little centimeter you add on when you realize that it's not so much what the choices you make are, but why, when you listen to yourself and actually see all the internal dialogue, not just the parts that make sense. Growth is recognizing that you're making the choice, taking responsibility for it, honoring it, choosing what to do about it, or not. Recognizing that sometimes there is nothing to be done, and being able to move on. Growth, for me, is not about not making mistakes (even the same ones), it's not about trying to make them either but more about the appreciation that's developing for why some choices, regardless of how they appear, are ultimately wiser than others. Now as for wisdom, that's definitely for another day...

Goodbye Old Friend

I had to say goodbye to my most trusted traveling companion (next to Dante, of course) yesterday... my car. No more sailing topless (it was a convertible, get your head out of the gutter) down the road in summertime, the Sebring was pronounced Dead on Arrival after a driver ran a red light and totaled the poor girl last week. Luckily, since it's Seattle, we were going just a tad above 0 mph (ok maybe more like 30) and no one was hurt. Aside from my car. When the insurance company says "Total Loss" they don't factor in the miles and years of memories... so here are some of my top ten, you might recognize some, most you just had to be there...

#1: Running away from an ex-we're entirely certain he was gay- boyfriend to Wyoming. Nothing says "we're over" like "I'm sorry, I have to cancel our plans tonight, I'm halfway across Utah".

#2. First vacation, ever. Three and a half weeks, 2,780 miles of coastline and adventures and the time of my life.

#3. Girls trip to Vegas. I offered to drive. And never having driven with me before they all (hehehe) accepted. Boy did we have fun. Bonus #3.2 - noticing, halfway home, that the girls had "cleverly" stowed all of our leftover liquor bottles in the folds of the convertible top. You looked like a mobile bar.

#4. Camping. Mental image: Red convertible, just to the left of a tent. Surrounded by SUV's and trucks. You could really hold your own.

#5. Off roading. I'm sorry, I really thought it was a shallow creek.

#6. Pizza bomb. The back seat was never the same. Stupid teenagers.

#7. The time we drove our good friend Chris' "birthday present" home to Dana Point. Hungover.

#8. Skip & Dante thank you for the ultimate dog head-out-the-window road trip experiences.

#9. Learning during a drive through Oregon that if it starts raining, I could drive faster and not get wet.

#10. Hauling Christmas trees

#11. Learning to get in Dukes of Hazard Style. Sorry for the flailing.

#12. Niles' "road trip" in the back seat...

#11. Cutting my hair off so I didn't have to worry about "convertible hair"

#12. Triumphantly leaving Mr. Big ... I left your top down so we could both be sure I'd see it through.

#13. Dumping Mr. Vegas and his luggage in the Mojave.

#14. Cruising PCH with my friends in the summertime...

#15. Talking the valet guys at Mastro's to "frontline" you that one time. Next to the Bentley. Priceless.

Thanks for always being my go to getaway car :-) whether it was getting to or away or something unknown or in between. You'll be missed.

Trip to Anchorage, Alaska November 2009

These shots are from my second trip to Alaska, the sight of all those mountains, snow, the wildness of it all is always thrilling...

"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron

Unfaithful

Dear porch...I need some space. I've met a kayak, and when we glide across the water...I still love you! But, while the weather's still nice, can we see other activities?

Porch Life

Hi, my name is Jessica, and I'm addicted to my porch.

I once lived for the weekend to leave town, go and do, see, blah blah blah and now I live to wake up stumble sleepily out the door onto the cool soft planks, talk idly to the plants (yes, I now keep plants alive, and not alive as in I go to Lowe's every weekend and replace the ones I've killed throughout the week... hypothetically I mean. Who would do that...), grab a book or if it's Sunday the paper and plant myself in a chair. Hours could pass and still find me there, watching the wildlife (I saw killer whales the other day, I kid you not), the kayaks go by, tide coming and going, storms rolling around, the sun setting over the mountains with only brief interruptions such as when I realize the phone is on and must be turned off, or when I need another mimosa, or I've stopped gazing at the scenery long enough to finish the book and find myself in need of another. One weekend it went so far that I actually had a conversation with myself about the merits of living off of peanut butter, as it was the only remaining item in the fridge and I did not want to leave...the porch. I still had wine, and thus the peanut butter ruled the day. What pairs well with an Oregon Pinot Noir? Peanut butter. No kidding.

Having grown up with various porches, in what most of my more urban friends would have dubbed the "middle of nowhere", I admit that I took them for granted. Moving to California brought the true value of a porch into clear perspective, and thus I spent years trying to recreate the experience, or even just the feeling, and largely in vain. I do think that just before I moved I had very nearly mastered the art of imagining passing bass blasting cars out of existence. I'd also taken to yelling at them when the mental gymnastics failed (often). Why does one need all that bass in your car anyway? It's a car! Not a night club. Anyway... porches are magical things, especially when well placed and equipped (it doesn't take much, sturdy construction and a chair, decent view if you can, quieter the better, enough room for porch appreciating friends should you feel like sharing, get a grill and in theory you may never have to go inside again).

When I first moved in and started "using" the porch I thought innocently that I would just be an occasional porch user. That I would sit for a few days and then grow bored and move on. Not so. This is porch crack and I, I am hooked. Ever user has a moment, or I think they might, we'll pretend for the sake of this post that they do, when they realize that they're addicted. Mine was when I considered feigning illness so as to not have to leave my porch and interact with the rest of the world (the world is welcome to come to me, I'm not antisocial, but good luck finding me). No, it was not the peanut butter moment, it's a perfectly acceptable food source give me a break. So, today I made a decision. I'm in a gradual detox program, starting this weekend I must spend one day of each weekend largely, if not entirely, clean of the porch. This weekend, a kayak trip exploring the San Juan Islands. I purposefully booked a non-refundable rental, which I think is a rather brilliant way to keep me honest, then again, can you really put a price on porch time?

What's So Great About Forks...

... I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, it's a great little town filled with (from a swift outsider observation) nice,friendly welcoming people. But what begs the question is why would the now famous author of a certain series of young adult vampire books, that I won't name because of the inevitable throng of teenie-bopper series fanatics,or possibly worse the adult version (myself included, more fan than fanatic!) that would flood the site, why would she base the book in Forks? The movie appears as though it's filmed within the more densely wooded, mountainous region of the Olympic National Park and much of the plot of all the books leads your imagination to a similar destination. Not to Forks, though the small town element certainly is accurate. Anyway, one might wonder how I ended up visiting Forks, and this is where the fanatic meets the fan, I was taking a road trip with the goal of circling the Olympic National Park and realized rather exuberantly at the time as I recall that Forks was along the route. Not just any little 'ol Forks, but The Forks, of teenage vampire lore. It was impossible to resist a visit having read the whole series myself and recently turned my own mother (who looks 30 and is actually, well...let's say 36, you're welcome mom!) onto the love-sick,action packed, imagination blowing plots that go for days (literally, it's four books and they each resemble the great classics in size). Thus, I found myself eagerly anticipating this small detour on the trip. It was rather unremarkable, except for two things: First, the sign posted by a local hotel that said "Edward Cullen Did Not Sleep Here" that made one ponder at how the poor little town was affected (aside from the welcome financial benefits I'm sure) when the craze hit full speed upon release of the movie, and that every store in town (and there aren't many, most are hardware, feed and related agriculture related merchants) had some kind of "merchandise" related to the movie/books. Posters, mugs, t-shirts,jewelry, bumper stickers, charms, candy, key chains, dolls, even light up do-it-yourself fang kits.

No I did not buy a fang kit...they were out of the adult size...

Au Revoir California!

Dante and I are back on the road for another grand adventure into the wilds of the Northwest...but this time, as we (well, or at least I) have dreamed in the past, it will be to stay.

As someone who has never considered themselves to be the kind to "settle down", it was unusual if I could even stay in the same apartment for more than a year, I've been surprised by how difficult this departure has been. I am a person who adores change, it's part of my profession and it's certainly a part of my life, so acknowledging that this change is affecting me in new and unfamiliar ways is disconcerting in and of itself. Apparently, while I wasn't paying attention, I grew roots in California. And, just as anyone who has ever tried to move established plants from one garden to another understands, the displacing of a root system is a very complex process through which you must be delicately forceful and patient. I possess one of those characteristics and I'll let you guess at which it is...

In the beginning I just started pulling at the plant, stubbornly insisting that it just release it's grip on the earth and come along. Then I pretended that I didn't need the roots, that I would just hack it off at the base at the last minute and be done with it. When the hacking proved too painful I realized that maybe my way, the rapid upheaval to the marching beat and a rally cry of "forward ho!", may not be the best way to begin this little journey and that maybe this time, something besides geography needed to change... So I started an adventure, within the adventure, to seek out a way to be gentler to my rooted self and to coax instead of yank when sadness, excitement, fear, nervousness, hopefulness and doubt appear, and often all at the same time.

And who knows, now that I know it's possible, the roots that is, maybe I'll find some Miracle Grow in Seattle...

I've got this quote floating in my mind as food for thought on the long drive, I'll leave it with you as well:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. - Alan Cohen